Marriage: Why Do We Have Conflict?
WHY DO WE HAVE CONFLICT?
Most marriages, when they come to counseling, are facing significant hurt & disconnection. Often, they are trying to address arguments and wounds that have existed for years. They need to disrupt deep patterns & dynamics that have been eating away at their relationship. Others have demanding circumstances like financial burdens, debt, life transition, or children who are struggling, which compounds the pressure in their relationship.
And the area that gets most attention (and fear) is conflict.
CONFLICT: IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH US?
Conflict is often the driving force of disconnection in marriage. It is also an area full of emotional energy, perceived threat, and automatic reactions. In other words, it feels dangerous, especially if our previous experience of conflict was one of abuse, silence, or unrepair.
These reactions and conflict-styles can almost always be traced back to our own stories and often relate to how our caregivers (& their marriages) behaved. That might be withdrawing, exploding, silence, fawning to appease the other person, inward contempt, escaping, etc.
Often, marriages see conflict as a warning sign: “This is bad. If we have conflict, something must be wrong with our marriage.”
We may have entered marriage thinking that a good marriage is one without strife, or that sameness (or agreement) is a sign of health. Neither of these is true!
CONFLICT IS THE WORKING OUT OF DIFFERENCE.
However, conflict must exist in marriage because of difference. Your spouse is different. Their personality is different. Their fears and sensitivities are different. Their family of origin was different. Their gifts and strengths are different.
The Scriptures say that our difference is together is a good thing. Without Eve, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a suitable companion to help him.” (Get 2:18). The word companion here means, “"associate"; "colleague"; "fellow"; "companion"; or "friend”. It in no way means sameness. Instead, it connotes a complementary person, alongside us but different than ourselves.
But difference doesn’t always feel good. Instead, when our spouse has different needs, personality, or preferences for packing the dishwasher, we may feel helpless, confused, or angry that they aren’t like us.
Because of this, we often avoid conflict, even if we are hurt. Maybe our spouse said something hurtful or missed us completely or did the thing that we hate again. We wonder: “Is it worth saying something or bringing it up? What good would that do? That’s just going to cause conflict.”
WHAT IF WE SAW CONFLICT AS CONNECTION?
In the Scriptures, marriage has oneness. “The two shall leave their father and mother and become one.” (Gen 2:24). This oneness is more than just sharing a home, organizing a schedule, and coparenting. It means that our spouse will always affect us relationally (including arousing hurt, harm, and negative emotions), because we are connected. Conversely, to be unaffected by the words, feelings, or touch of your spouse requires hardening & cauterizing. Indifference in marriage is a sign of lack of oneness.
But when we are affected, there is an invitation: To be known or to hide.
In this way, Dan Allender reflects that conflict is actually intended to be a form of intimacy (Allender, 2023).
What is intimacy? The literal definition is: “To Make Known.” In conflict, we have the opportunity to be known and make known our inner feelings & thoughts (even when those feelings include anger, sadness, or other uncomfortable realities).
Therefore conflict always has this potential: To understand one another more deeply.
HOW CAN CONFLICT MOVE US CLOSER?
That’s the subject of Part 2: How to Connect, Not Win (In Conflict)