Marriage: How to Connect, Not Win
WHAT IS THE GOAL OF CONFLICT?
Dr. John Gottman’s extensive marriage research shows that 69% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable. There’s not a solution. These may be things like personality traits your spouse has that rub you the wrong way, or long-standing issues around spending and saving money. His research findings emphasize the idea that couples must learn to manage conflict rather than avoid or attempt to eliminate it.
(Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 2015)
Therapists Dr. Steve and Lisa Call have a wonderful podcast called “The Reconnect Marriage Conflict.” In their counseling work, they ask clients this question: “What do you think is the goal of conflict in marriage? What is it going after?”
For many of us, we see the goal of conflict as resolution. We want a fix. And most often, that means we want our spouse to see our side, our way, and to agree.
But what if we shifted this goal? What if, instead of rightness, we wanted connection?
What if the goal is to understand my spouse? How would that change my posture towards conflict or an argument, or hurt feelings, or my spouse’s anger?
AN EXAMPLE FROM OUR HOME
A common source of frustration in our home is cleanliness. I am shook by how quickly my 4 children are able to destroy our home. They are gifted anarchists. And they desperately need more coaching & accountability in this area. I typically work from home 2 days/week, which means that I’m often nearby (if not in the same room) and sitting at my computer as my kids as are doing the mess-making. And yet, I’m unavailable to help with either the cleaning or the coaching. This isn’t a great dynamic. It means that Kindal can often feel like the maid, and the only person cleaning, coaching, and bearing this burden in our home.
When she grows weary or helpless in the face of this never-ending task, she might express, “I can’t be the only one who helps in this home!” or “Are you going to do anything while you’re here?”
This situation is ripe for conflict. I’m gonna be frustrated that she won’t see my work. She’s gonna feel left out to dry. In this scenario, I could labor to get Kindal to see it my way (“I’m technically at work right now,” “This is equally important,” “This is how we earn $ for our home,” etc.). And, as we said earlier, there’s not a clear ‘resolution’ to this two-sided situation.
Instead, what if I seek to understand her and how she’s feeling? What if I saw this moment as an opportunity for connection? What might that look like?
THE FIRST STEP (CURIOSITY)
Often, seeking to understand comes in the form of an invitation to say more. We have to be curious toward one another.
Curiosity is not blaming or defensive. Saying “Why are you this way?” Or “What is wrong with you?” are not curious statements. They are full of contempt and conclusion.
Conversely, curiosity is genuinely desiring to understand. When I can see that something is bothering my wife, I can genuinely ask:
“What’s happening for you right now?”
“Is everything okay? What are you experiencing?”
“When we were upstairs and you were upset, what was coming up for you?”
Then, whatever comes next (because it might be disruptive or emotional or different than my experience or hard to understand or sting because it reveals something about me) — I’m seeking to maintain a posture of “seeking to understand,” instead of “right/wrong” or “good/bad.”
VALIDATION IS NOT AGREEMENT
It’s important to note here that this doesn’t mean you must agree with your spouse. Only that you validate their perspective (what they are feeling and why). Validation is not agreement. If I’m seeking to understand my wife, I can respond with something like, “That make sense. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling alone in this. It has to be hard to see me sitting here, but uninvolved.”
The power of a validating statement can be incredibly loving and disarming. Validating your spouse will lead to connection and closeness, even when there is disagreement.
In this way, conflict can be something that moves us toward one another, instead of away; an invitation to stop seeking to be right and start seeking to understand.